No matter how much freedom you have in your marriage, how flexible the boundaries – you still have to remember that there is now someone else that you must keep 100% in your life-loop! If you’re going to be late from work, you need to make sure your husband/wife knows. If you aren’t going to be home for supper, they need to know. If you aren’t going to be able to get the dry cleaning on the way home, and it’s needed for the next day, they need to know so they can go get it! This is a major life change. At first it feels as if you are back answering to your parents! You may even rebel against the idea. But think about it for a moment. Your husband/wife always walks through the door at 6.52pm – give or take 4 minutes. You have supper waiting on the table. At 7.20pm supper is cold, and they still haven’t arrived. 8.25pm when they walk through the door, you’re halfway through dialing the number for the local hospital because you’re sure something’s happened to them. They smile and apologize for being late but they got caught up in a last minute meeting. No thought to the anguish you’ve been through picturing them hurt or worse! You don’t want to be the one feeling this way, and so make sure you don’t do the same kind of thing to your beloved! Letting your partner know your schedule is a sign of consideration. Of acknowledging that this other person cares about you and will worry if you are not where you’ve said you’ll be at the time you said you’ll be there.
Gone too are the days when you could say “Sure, I’ll come for pizza tonight!” to work colleagues without even thinking about it. First of all you need to call your partner and tell them that this is what you’re planning, and making sure that they’re ok with it. Yes, I know, too bad if they aren’t, but they may have made other plans for the evening that you don’t know about and so it is worth checking first!
Consideration for your new husband or wife is the first and most important aspect of your marriage during the early days because it’s the thing that’s most difficult to adjust too. Is your music too loud? Does your partner want to watch a different channel? Do you take all the blankets in bed? Do you snore? You don’t check these things because you benefit, nor as a partner would you usually complain about them, but you do them because you want your marriage to be a partnership with two equal partners. If you argue about something, find common middle ground. There should be no power struggle if both parties respect each other enough to accept that both people are entitled to hold differing viewpoints. Don’t back down from confrontation, don’t press forward your advantage, be considerate towards each other and negotiate a situation you can both agree to.
In the early weeks and months of marriage, you’ll find many things new and sometimes not exactly the way you thought they’d be, but if both parties add consideration to their menu of love, trust and respect, then married life will soon settle down and you’ll become accustomed to doing things without resentment or obligation. You’ll do them because you want too.
Make My Marriage Happy
Same religion, same church, same circle, and even same school with most interests' common - will these guarantee a happy marriage? What do you think? Before proceeding further it would be proper to talk about happy marriage. What is a happy marriage? I would broadly define happy marriage as one in which the partners like to be with each other, enjoy depending on each other, love each other, and are happy to be with each other. In a happy marriage when a partner meets the other in the evening, he/she will feel genuine joy. They will miss each other when separated for any reason. They like each other, and their love is not only romantic but also friendly. They respect each other as persons and when asked if they could live on an island all alone only with the partner, they would answer yes without hesitation. They don't need other distractions such as friends, kids or television to live with each other in the pretension of happiness.
If you look around, you may be surprised that many marriages are not happy. The marriages still sustain because of the fear of pain of separation. It is not the pleasure of happiness together that binds them but the pain of separation. What would happen to kids? How will I live alone? What about division of assets? The fear of the pain of separation is so massive that unhappy existence together is considered better. Is this good life? No, it is mere existence.
Coming back to the title of this article, what role does the personality of partners play in making a happy marriage? The first requirement that has nothing to do with personality is love. Not the love of the passionate kind that may dies soon but genuine care and affection for each other. The personality traits that contribute may be for example - cleanliness. If the husband believes in extreme cleanliness and the wife does not bother a bit about that, do you think they will be happy with each other? Half of the time they will have arguments about cleanliness. This was only an example. Let us take another example. The wife is of giving type and the husband is a real stingy person. What then? Habits, nature, values, life goals, beliefs, and all such traits that make us a human being are the important role players in making a happy marriage. Emotional makeup plays an equally important role. For example if one partner is quick tempered he/she will make life difficult for the other. Think about all personality traits, emotional make up and find out if there is commonality in all these. Small differences are always ignored because of the love between the couple, but if the difference in personalities is big, love will also get sacrificed. Love that bound them in the beginning will become the first victim of the differences.
If you look around, you may be surprised that many marriages are not happy. The marriages still sustain because of the fear of pain of separation. It is not the pleasure of happiness together that binds them but the pain of separation. What would happen to kids? How will I live alone? What about division of assets? The fear of the pain of separation is so massive that unhappy existence together is considered better. Is this good life? No, it is mere existence.
Coming back to the title of this article, what role does the personality of partners play in making a happy marriage? The first requirement that has nothing to do with personality is love. Not the love of the passionate kind that may dies soon but genuine care and affection for each other. The personality traits that contribute may be for example - cleanliness. If the husband believes in extreme cleanliness and the wife does not bother a bit about that, do you think they will be happy with each other? Half of the time they will have arguments about cleanliness. This was only an example. Let us take another example. The wife is of giving type and the husband is a real stingy person. What then? Habits, nature, values, life goals, beliefs, and all such traits that make us a human being are the important role players in making a happy marriage. Emotional makeup plays an equally important role. For example if one partner is quick tempered he/she will make life difficult for the other. Think about all personality traits, emotional make up and find out if there is commonality in all these. Small differences are always ignored because of the love between the couple, but if the difference in personalities is big, love will also get sacrificed. Love that bound them in the beginning will become the first victim of the differences.
Searching For Marriage Advice
The best person to discuss marriage help with is your spouse. If that just is not possible – either because your spouse is not willing or because there is a chance you might be harmed for trying to talk about your problems and concerns – talk with a trained professional. Visit a counselor or minister to talk about your marriage problems. They are trained to look at situations objectively and know how to maintain your confidentiality.
If you do not have a minister or know a counselor, you can find one discreetly by looking at your local phone book. Search under “counseling” or “marriage counselors” to find several to call. Some communities may even have counseling services free of charge for some situations. If you have a close friend you can confide in, ask if they have heard anything about the counselors you find. At work you can always pull that “a friend of mine is looking for a counselor. Have you heard of any?” trick.
If the advice you receive from the minister or counselor does not strike a chord with you, go somewhere else. That does not mean that if the advice is not what you want to hear, to leave it behind, however. When you seek help for your marriage, you need to be open minded enough to accept that some of the responsibility or blame may be your own.
Remember, the first step to solving any marriage problem is to seek help. If you and your spouse both agree, try going to a counselor together. The professional may prefer to see you individually after an initial meeting with the two of you together. If you are both willing to find marriage help, you will need to be accommodating and adaptable as you work through your problems and the counseling process.
If you do not have a minister or know a counselor, you can find one discreetly by looking at your local phone book. Search under “counseling” or “marriage counselors” to find several to call. Some communities may even have counseling services free of charge for some situations. If you have a close friend you can confide in, ask if they have heard anything about the counselors you find. At work you can always pull that “a friend of mine is looking for a counselor. Have you heard of any?” trick.
If the advice you receive from the minister or counselor does not strike a chord with you, go somewhere else. That does not mean that if the advice is not what you want to hear, to leave it behind, however. When you seek help for your marriage, you need to be open minded enough to accept that some of the responsibility or blame may be your own.
Remember, the first step to solving any marriage problem is to seek help. If you and your spouse both agree, try going to a counselor together. The professional may prefer to see you individually after an initial meeting with the two of you together. If you are both willing to find marriage help, you will need to be accommodating and adaptable as you work through your problems and the counseling process.
Some Great Marriage Advice
A marriage is like a cart on two wheels. Both the partners are the wheels. If one wheel becomes weaker or if the wheels are different in size, the cart stops moving. It is similar with marriage. If one partner over dominates or demands more only for himself/herself, the marriage will suffer. For a marriage to succeed, the partners have to take care of each other's desires, emotions, physical needs and intellectual needs. Both the partners have to support each other to grow and not criticize each other. For example, if a partner knows that his/her spouse is weak in a certain area, it is the duty of the other partner to compensate that and not criticize. Another factor is fear of conflict. Sometimes, the conflicts become so pain giving that partners avoid talking to each other fearing that a conflict may arise. This fear of conflict will kill all communication. Instead what is needed is- healthy communication and peaceful resolution of conflicts in a spirit of give and take. Why should a partner be afraid of talking to other partner in a marriage? That sounds ridiculous, but this is true. This phase spells near death of a marriage. Marriage is a beautiful phase of life. The secret lies in how to carry on for a lifetime.
Is It Time For Marriage Counseling??
Some people look down at the thought of seeking counseling. They feel that a third person could not fix what the two of them couldn't. But getting a fresh perspective from an experienced person may just be the answer.
The Right Time
It would be advisable to start your marriage counseling on an early basis—preferably before you get married or early in the marriage, especially if you sense that the two of you are having communication problems with each other.
Do not treat counseling like a “sealant in the leakage”. Some people have misconceptions that it should only be considered if the situation will lead to divorce. Instead of seeing it in that point of view, it will be better if you will take counseling to enlighten and help you and your husband or wife develop a clear and honest communication and proper handling of your problems once you and your partner get involved in a marriage.
Improve your marriage in its best condition. It will not be good if the two of you will just get a marriage counselor just because you are planning to separate from each other. Instead, let your marriage counselor be your guide in shaping your relationship in the best possible shape there is. Your counselor is not the best solution to your problem—it is both of you that can fix it. It is your commitment and your dedication to the marriage.
The Right Time
It would be advisable to start your marriage counseling on an early basis—preferably before you get married or early in the marriage, especially if you sense that the two of you are having communication problems with each other.
Do not treat counseling like a “sealant in the leakage”. Some people have misconceptions that it should only be considered if the situation will lead to divorce. Instead of seeing it in that point of view, it will be better if you will take counseling to enlighten and help you and your husband or wife develop a clear and honest communication and proper handling of your problems once you and your partner get involved in a marriage.
Improve your marriage in its best condition. It will not be good if the two of you will just get a marriage counselor just because you are planning to separate from each other. Instead, let your marriage counselor be your guide in shaping your relationship in the best possible shape there is. Your counselor is not the best solution to your problem—it is both of you that can fix it. It is your commitment and your dedication to the marriage.
Confide In Your Spouse
Jose and Juanita have been married for 17 years, and basically love each other, yet have been fighting over the same issue almost every night of those years: She likes it cold at night and he likes it warm in their house and bedroom. She had just opened their bedroom windows for the night. When she left to visit the bathroom, she heard Jose follow her and close all the windows.
Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.
—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."
Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)
IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.
In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.
Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:
(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.
For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.
CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)
Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."
Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."
Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:
FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.
Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.
Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!
Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.
Let’s eavesdrop to see what we can learn about this fight and what to do about it.
—(curtain up)—
Juanita: (to Jose) "I can’t sleep unless the windows are wide open. You know that, but insist on closing them every night, just so I’ll be miserable. You are selfish and inconsiderate."
Jose: (to Juanita):"This is my house too. Why should I have to freeze? You always get your way. It is so cold in here you could hang meat! Are you trying to get me sick? No NORMAL person would want it this cold!"
(curtain down)
IS THIS A SOLVABLE PROBLEM?
Depends on the specific marriage. For some couples, the solution would be a simple compromise of some sort; for instance, buy a room thermometer and agree to always keep the room at an agreed upon temperature both could live with.
In many marriages, however, a problem like this is not easily solved—it becomes “perpetual”—and trying to “solve” it only creates anger and tension. For Jose and Juanita, this unfortunately was the case.
Why is a simple problem like this not solvable for our couple and in many other marriages? Could be many reasons, but the usual culprits are:
(1) The couple is engaged in a “power” or “control” struggle. This means the fight isn’t about the issue anymore—it is about who will win or lose.
(2) The temperature issue goes deeper and is emotionally tied into other personal or marital issues. If this is the case, the more pressure put on the person to “change,” the more the person resists.
For instance, turns out that Juanita literally panics if in a room without air flow due to issues in her childhood. Depriving her of fresh air flow literally makes her want to fight for her life.
CONFIDING MAKES THE DIFFERENCE
Let’s now listen in on what Jose and Juanita could have said that may have made a HUGE difference in their communication.
This is because now they are speaking from their hearts —combining empathy (seeing things from the viewpoint of the other) with assertive communication (honestly speaking your feelings and thoughts in a forthright manner)
Juanita (should have said something like):"I feel that I don’t have to put up with this, although I also feel bad that you have to suffer. I tell myself that if you really loved me, you would want me to be comfortable at night.
I also ask myself why should I always give in? I work hard all day too and deserve some consideration. All I’m asking for is a decent night’s sleep, but then, I wonder if I am being too selfish."
Jose (should have said something like):"I do really love you and I want you to be comfortable too, but it gets so cold in here at night for me that I can’t sleep.
We both want a good night’s sleep and want to be able to continue sleeping together in the same room. Let’s find a way to discuss it so it doesn’t make us so angry at each other."
Granted, it is not easy to confide when in the heat of marital battle. Consequently, it is often better to first take a time out, calm down and then communicate what is in your heart. The following communication tips will help:
FOUR COMMUNICATION TIPS
Tip 1- Don’t only focus on the issue. Also discuss your feelings, thoughts, and inner conflicts surrounding the issue. Confide what is going on in both your heart and your mind.
Tip 2- Look at how you communicate with each other ABOUT the issue. Focus on the process of communication.
Tip 3- Give up needing to be right all the time. Wise and successful married people have discovered that often it is preferable to be happy than to be right!
Tip 4- Convey to your partner that you love them enough to want to join them so together you can find a way to deal with the issue or problem.
Debt and My Marriage
If you fall behind with your mortgage, you risk foreclosure. This is one bill that you cannot afford to miss, so make it a priority. Food and utilities are also a must, so keep up with these expenses and cut back where you can. If you’ve missed one or more credit card payments, the best way to handle this situation is to call each of your creditors individually and request to be placed on a hardship program. In most cases, this means lower payments and interest for a certain amount of time.
If your situation is more permanent than temporary and you aren’t sure when or if your finances will ever be back to the point that they once were at, you need to consider a more permanent solution to your debt. This may involve debt settlement negotiations with each of your creditors who, in some cases, may be willing to settle for 10-20% of the total balance owed. This is only an option in the most severe of circumstances and when payments have been missed for many months. At this point, the creditor may inform you that your credit will be damaged if you settle a debt but, if excessive payments are or continue to be missed, your credit is already damaged. You can handle the debt settlement negotiations yourself or, in some cases, the creditor will contact you directly with a written offer. If you aren’t comfortable with the process, hire an attorney to help.
In some cases, you may find yourself a little short on the mortgage payment. This is especially true if you are trying to settle your debts. If this happens, you can call the lender who issued your loan and discuss possible options that will bring your account up to date. You may be able to refinance your home, which may lower your monthly payments and possibly even your interest. When it comes to debt, there’s no time to waste. Every payment that is missed or late fee that is added will make you feel as though you are sinking into a pool of quicksand.
Under the best of circumstances, a relationship undergoes plenty of everyday stress. When it comes to money matters, the stress can be even greater. When you start to get a handle on your debt and start to live your life again, both you and your partner will be happier and healthier.
If your situation is more permanent than temporary and you aren’t sure when or if your finances will ever be back to the point that they once were at, you need to consider a more permanent solution to your debt. This may involve debt settlement negotiations with each of your creditors who, in some cases, may be willing to settle for 10-20% of the total balance owed. This is only an option in the most severe of circumstances and when payments have been missed for many months. At this point, the creditor may inform you that your credit will be damaged if you settle a debt but, if excessive payments are or continue to be missed, your credit is already damaged. You can handle the debt settlement negotiations yourself or, in some cases, the creditor will contact you directly with a written offer. If you aren’t comfortable with the process, hire an attorney to help.
In some cases, you may find yourself a little short on the mortgage payment. This is especially true if you are trying to settle your debts. If this happens, you can call the lender who issued your loan and discuss possible options that will bring your account up to date. You may be able to refinance your home, which may lower your monthly payments and possibly even your interest. When it comes to debt, there’s no time to waste. Every payment that is missed or late fee that is added will make you feel as though you are sinking into a pool of quicksand.
Under the best of circumstances, a relationship undergoes plenty of everyday stress. When it comes to money matters, the stress can be even greater. When you start to get a handle on your debt and start to live your life again, both you and your partner will be happier and healthier.
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